The Very Model -- of a Bad Albertan Hockey Team

I don't know why I didn't think of this before; a team with players named Gilbert and O'Sullivan? Come on.

So, with the most profound of apologies to W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan, their aficionados and families, I present the following. Right-click and launch this for a MIDI accompaniment.

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The Bad Albertan Hockey Team's Song

(by abdemarco -- to the tune of The Major-General's Song, from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan)


We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We haven't won a game of late, and haven't had a winning streak
In days, or weeks, or months, or years -- we can't recall how long it's been!

We're very well acquainted, too, with vet'rans running out of steam,
With injuries and lousy play -- in fact, there's a whole litany
Of reasons that we skaters give to say just why we lost again,
Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no brains."

Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no brains,"
Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no brains,"
Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no, have no brains!"

New coach Pat Quinn must really have some hypertension problems too,
"These guys aren't fit to wear the jerseys that are copper, white and blue!"
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.


In signing agents that are "free", this team has had no sort of luck,
No Hossa, Vanek, Heatley, and we think, no Ilya Kovalchuk,
And why? It's not like Oiler fans aren't loads, and loads, and loads of fun;
It couldn't be that hockey players don't want to live in Edmonton!

When you sign here you think, "Alright! A team with a great history!"
But now we see those Cups are just a twenty year-old memory;
The fans aren't happy if we lose, of that we're absolutely sure,
And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furniture.

And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furniture.
And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furniture.
And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furni-furniture!

This team is near the bottom, but to last place we can't seem to fall,
And that is troubling for we'd really like to draft that Taylor Hall,
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.


Some say the problem with this team, it might be psychological,
But if a team's as bad as this, it must be pathological,
Is it the fault of Tambellini, or MacT? Paul Lorieau?
Or Chrissy P? Or Daryl Katz? (Well, duh, you know it's Kevin Lowe!)

A full rebuild is what this team is needing, and it must be soon,
Get rid of every play'r and staffer in this Oiler dressing room,
We can't keep pace with Calgary, the Wild, the Avs or the Canucks.
I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really sucks.

I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really sucks.
I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really sucks.
I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really, really sucks!

Will this team ever win again? There really is no way to tell,
But I don't think that possible unless we try the AHL;
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.