The Very Model -- of a Bad Albertan Hockey Team

I don't know why I didn't think of this before; a team with players named Gilbert and O'Sullivan? Come on.

So, with the most profound of apologies to W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan, their aficionados and families, I present the following. Right-click and launch this for a MIDI accompaniment.

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The Bad Albertan Hockey Team's Song

(by abdemarco -- to the tune of The Major-General's Song, from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan)


We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We haven't won a game of late, and haven't had a winning streak
In days, or weeks, or months, or years -- we can't recall how long it's been!

We're very well acquainted, too, with vet'rans running out of steam,
With injuries and lousy play -- in fact, there's a whole litany
Of reasons that we skaters give to say just why we lost again,
Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no brains."

Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no brains,"
Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no brains,"
Perhaps the flu, the schedule, or maybe "we just have no, have no brains!"

New coach Pat Quinn must really have some hypertension problems too,
"These guys aren't fit to wear the jerseys that are copper, white and blue!"
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.


In signing agents that are "free", this team has had no sort of luck,
No Hossa, Vanek, Heatley, and we think, no Ilya Kovalchuk,
And why? It's not like Oiler fans aren't loads, and loads, and loads of fun;
It couldn't be that hockey players don't want to live in Edmonton!

When you sign here you think, "Alright! A team with a great history!"
But now we see those Cups are just a twenty year-old memory;
The fans aren't happy if we lose, of that we're absolutely sure,
And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furniture.

And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furniture.
And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furniture.
And if you want a trade, then they'll incinerate your furni-furniture!

This team is near the bottom, but to last place we can't seem to fall,
And that is troubling for we'd really like to draft that Taylor Hall,
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.


Some say the problem with this team, it might be psychological,
But if a team's as bad as this, it must be pathological,
Is it the fault of Tambellini, or MacT? Paul Lorieau?
Or Chrissy P? Or Daryl Katz? (Well, duh, you know it's Kevin Lowe!)

A full rebuild is what this team is needing, and it must be soon,
Get rid of every play'r and staffer in this Oiler dressing room,
We can't keep pace with Calgary, the Wild, the Avs or the Canucks.
I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really sucks.

I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really sucks.
I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really sucks.
I guess all that a guy can say is that this team just really, really sucks!

Will this team ever win again? There really is no way to tell,
But I don't think that possible unless we try the AHL;
We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

We will not make the playoffs now -- perhaps in the next century?
We are the very model of a bad Albertan hockey team.

Along Comes Luongo

Remember this song?

Chicago - Along Comes A Woman
Uploaded by killeraf

I figured since the Canucks face the Chicago Blackhawks in Round 2 of this year's playoffs, it might be fitting to riff on a Chicago song. So, here you have:

Along Comes Luongo
(to the tune of Along Comes a Woman, by Chicago)

My name is Toews and I thought I'd go deep in the playoffs
Deep in the playoffs, with maybe a run to the Cup

Hey Dion, you didn't much matter
And Jarome, you weren't much better
Goin' so smooth, bein' in the playoffs
For the very first time

Then along comes Luongo
There's a change in the way that I'm feeling tonight
Then along comes Luongo
And I'm not feelin' right

My name is Nicky, though some call me "Khabi" or "Bulin"
And "Bulin Wall" is a name that I'm called by my fans

Kiprusoff, he didn't much matter
Didn't care, I played so much better
Stanley Cup, name's already on it
Would this be the next time?

Then along comes Luongo
There's a change in the way that I'm playing tonight
Then along comes Luongo
And I'm not feelin' right
I'm not feelin' right (repeat chorus)

(instrumental break)

Then along comes Luongo
There's a change in the way that we're feeling tonight
Then along comes Luongo
And we're not feelin' right
We're not feelin' right (repeat & fade)

Northwest Vertigo '08

Wow, the Canucks have swept their first round series with the St. Louis Blues, and as a result actually get the luxury of a break before Round Two!

Canucks fans don't know what to do with themselves.

This is certainly a different situation than at the end of last year. Remember? The clock was winding down on another season of futility, Trevor Linden's career was drawing to a close, and the Canucks were finding a way to lose game after game as they tumbled out of the playoff picture. Here are some lyrics I wrote towards the end of the season, as the Canucks struggled gamely to make the post-season. Enjoy.


Northwest Vertigo
(to the tune of Vertigo, by U2)

Unos dos tres... catorce

[Spoken vocal over footage of Naslund]

Turn it up loud, Captain!

Games tick down, it's tense
The Northwest is so tight
We need offense
The fans they want some goals
From Dan and Hank and Nazzy and the D must score
To play their roles
Can this team go there?

Hello, hello... (Hola)
I'm at a place called Vertigo (dónde estás?)
An injury will be a big, big blow
Then we'll have to call up
Scott Arniel, Arniel

The sked is filled with games
Where every one's a must
To win or blame
Will crash on Alain V
And heads will roll
They know they've got to win
At least they know

I can’t stand the heat
I’m asking for the cheque
The girl with crimson nails
Has Louie 'round her neck
Swinging to the music Whoooaaa
Swinging to the music Whoooaaa
Whoooaaa
Whoooaaa
Whoooaaa

Hello, hello... (Hola)
I'm at a place called Vertigo (dónde estás?)
I'd love it if they'd go sixteen and oh
Then all of the fans
They would squeal, squeal

[Edge solo + video of the Stanley Cup + great Canucks plays]

All of this... all of this can be yours
All of this... all of this can be yours
All of this... all of this can be yours

Mats Johan Sundin

Well, well, well! Mats Sundin has chosen, and -- he has chosen wisely. What a nice present the Canucks have found themselves with this Christmas! Hopefully, the batteries will be included, and Mats Sundin will turn out to be the impact player that many Vancouver fans are hoping for.

In honour of his signing, and in fact the whole "Sundin saga", I offer up the following song, in the spirit of the season! Enjoy!


Mats Johan Sundin
(to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)

Mats Johan Sundin,
Or just "Mats" as he was called;
He stood six-foot-five,
And weighed two-three-oh,
Had a head that you'd call "bald."

Mats Johan Sundin,
Was a fairy tale they say.
Would he just retire?
Had he lost his fire,
Or would he come back to play?

There must have been some magic
In that offer Gillis made,
'Cause J.P. Barry's eyes bugged out
When he saw what Mike would pay!

Ten million dollars --
That's some motivation now!
How could he turn down
Coming to this town
For some fun and a cash cow?

Mats Johan Sundin
Had to learn about this team.
What a travel sked!
Could he wait instead?
So he came up with this scheme:

Down to Los Angeles
Then to Sweden back he'd go,
Saying, "I need to think,
"But I'm at the rink!"
While he dreamt of all that dough.

He led them 'round, and 'round (and 'round!)
While fans said "Waiting sucks!"
Then he said, "My first choice always was
"The Vancouver Canucks!"

Mats Johan Sundin,
Won't you hurry? Come and play!
Just as you had planned,
Come to Lotus Land!
Bring the Stanley Cup our way!

Thumpety thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Sundin go,

Thumpety thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Playing with Luongo!

The Ryan Smyth Song

One of the places I spend a lot of time is on the Canucks Forum hosted at sportsnet.ca. There's already enough impassioned expression there, so what I enjoy adding are posts that will hopefully make people chuckle a bit. One of the ways I have done that is by posting hockey-themed parody lyrics of popular songs.

Here's some lyrics I wrote around the trade deadline in February 2007, when Edmonton's Ryan Smyth was traded to the New York Islanders and subsequently gave an emotional news conference. The trade coincided with the date of Mark Messier's jersey retirement in Edmonton where Messier skated around the rink holding the Stanley Cup, much to the chagrin of many hockey fans. The chagrin was amplified in sportsnet.ca's quarters, as one of Sportsnet's pro-Oiler bloggers nicknamed "Big Dude" had recently railed against the practice of players showing off the Cup when they were not the current NHL champions.

Of course, the Oilers had suffered losing in the Cup finals the year before and also suffered losing Chris Pronger to his demanded trade in the summer of '06.

Enjoy.


The Ryan Smyth Song
(to the tune of American Pie)

A long, long time ago...I can still remember
How Ninety-Four used to make me smile.
And I knew if they had their chance
The Oil could make those people dance
And, maybe they’d be happy for a while.

But February made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about the trade deadline,
But something touched me deep inside
The day The Mullet died.

So bye-bye, to this year's playoff drive.
Don't have Pronger any longer,
Or that Mike Peca guy.
Now them roughneck boys are drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?
"Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?"

Did you think we'd go all the way,
After watching Rollie play,
In the playoffs of last year?
Did you believe in Marc-Andre,
Was Pisani worth that extra pay,
And were the Oilers this year's team to fear?

Well, I know you love that long hairstyle
You've had that 'do for quite a while,
He made those goalies fret
By banging and crashing the net.

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a red, red neck and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day The Mullet died.

I started singin’,
"Bye-bye" to this year's playoff drive.
Don't have Pronger any longer,
Or that Mike Peca guy.
Now us roughneck boys are drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?
"Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?"

For seventeen years we’ve had no Cup
And very, very, very little drafting luck
But that’s not how it used to be.
Then Messier came to have his number hung
In an old-time jersey with his praises sung
In a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while Big Dude was looking down,
The Cup was lifted and skated 'round,
Other fans were amused to see
Such blatant hypocrisy.

And while the Moose was shedding tears,
GM Lowe was avoiding jeers
By cowering underneath the arena tiers,
The day The Mullet died.

We were singing,
"Bye-bye", to this year's playoff drive.
Don't have Pronger any longer,
Or that Mike Peca guy.
Now us roughneck boys are drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?
"Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?"

I thought we'd get a D-man from the Blues
For some happy deadline news,
But that chance just upped and went away.
I went down to the Rexall rink
Where I hoped to see a team that didn't stink
But a fan there said Smytty wouldn't play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
MacT's boys were broken.
Now's there's guys I want to roast:
The owners, the coach, but KLowe most;
Now the Cup's headed for the coast (!)
Now The Mullet's died.

And they were singing,
"Bye-bye", to this year's playoff drive.
Don't have Pronger any longer,
Or that Mike Peca guy.
Now them roughneck boys are drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?
"Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?"

They were singing,
"Bye-bye", to this year's playoff drive.
Don't have Pronger any longer,
Or that Mike Peca guy.
Now them roughneck boys are drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "Did you see that Ryan Smyth cry?"